You haven’t agreed that I can ring you up for marital advice, but can we imagine, for a moment, that you have.
Let me preface this by saying I HAVE ALREADY TRIED BEING NICE, and nothing has changed.
I’m frustrated with some things my husband does that I don’t like, so my plan is to say to him… ”Honey, you know I’m only saying this because I care about our relationship. You need to fix (insert something from my endless list) about yourself. ”
(I don’t know if it will change your recommendations, but let me assure you that a big part of my plan is to say this lovingly.)
Okaaay, since -clearly- I’ve taken up so little of your time with what you have to say about that, while I have you, how about giving me some parental advice?
Yes? no? on the template for the love note I plan to put in my 10 year-old daughter’s lunch box every day. ”Have a great day, Sweety. Don’t mess things up for yourself by (insert something from my endless list) xoxo Love, Mommy.”
(You did note the plethora of endearments.)
You look a little worried. (Only a bit, though, right?)
I cannot stress how well-intentioned, and – may I add, consistent – my efforts are.
Maybe you do have some better other ideas to offer me on How To Get My Husband To Do What I Want Him To Do Around The House And In Our Relationship Plan.
(Given your take so far on things, I’m thinking you’d frown against the “All That You Didn’t Do Today” list that I am careful to update (ahem) - ever so lovingly – during the day and hand to him at the end of it.)
And since I’m sensing a pattern with you here, let me guess… you’d tell me that I might have considered asking my daughter about the 8 right she got on her test, and how she did that, rather than the focusing her on the 2 she got wrong and what happened there.
(Watch out! I’m catching on here to you. You’d probably even suggest I take her A’s and B’s out of the garbage where I tossed them, and put them on the refrigerator with the Ds and Fs.)
Hold. On. Throw away the Ds and Fs?!?!
In my defense!! I had left them where she could see them so she could be reminded every day of where she went wrong, just to help her be sure that she doesn’t make those kinds of mistakes again.
If I may be candid (I guess you’re comfortable that’s something you don’t have to help me with) something about you is bothering me.
You look like you, but with the kind of things you’re suggesting I do, you’re reminding me of someone else…
(Which is pretty interesting, since you don’t appear to be a fan of nagging, and from what I can tell, the guy you’re reminding me of was one of the biggest ones around.)
Vince Lombardi used to insist that before his players were shown their game tapes, every play except for their successful ones be deleted from the tapes, and then he’d have his players shown these *edited for success only* tapes over and over and over and over again.
(Well at least I was on the right track, right? what with the endless looping being important.)
One last bit of advice, to you me, from you, if you don’t mind.
If I can’t argue with Vince’s Hall of Fame results, what argument can I make against what you have to admit is an “ignorant is bliss” approach?
(You never know when the devil might come looking for an advocate. My world has officially become one where strange things DO happen. I never expected to see you turn up here as Vince.)
Ok, if you can’t won’t help me with my argument against his approach, before you head out…
Let’s say I humor you and Vince, and let’s say I forget about fixing everyone else for a while a minute.
What do you think about me getting my own reel going by documenting what I see myself doing – that I want to continue to see myself doing- and (I shudder to think) ignoring the rest?
(Yes, I am impressed at your uncanny resemblance to a legend, but you have to admit that I’m not such a tough sell on that one if you agree that I go that way, since clearly writing things down is my go-to when I want to make sure I’ve done my part with my loved ones. 
)
But I’m a little worried here, too…
How can I fix my mistakes if I don’t recognize them? Why did Vince’s strategy work? Help!!
See you in the comments, Ms. Lombardi, and thank you.
P.S. You’d think once I’d read this, I’d know how to write one myself, and could have spared you at least some of these questions.
P.P.S. If you know anyone who could use a little of your advice, please pass this along! Much appreciated.
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I recently took this miraculous writing workshop (by Amna Ahmad at the Pragmatic Hybrid, if you’re wondering), and one of the tenets of it was that we give only positive feedback, unless change suggestions were specifically requested by the author. I was stunned — STUNNED — by how effective this was. I felt like my writing grew by leaps and bounds, more than it’s ever evolved in such a short period before. And the respect I felt for myself and my abilities, as well as other participants, was unparalleled.
It’s an unspoken rule in our society that change is inspired by negative consequences and criticism. But I’m learning that the most nourishing, heart-felt, lasting change, comes from a stream of positivity and even rewards.
By the way, I love the new header.
Hi Kylie! I love seeing you here. And I really appreciate and second your comment; thanks so much for sharing your experience. (And thanks for mentioning the name of the workshop, you’re right, after reading about your experience, I would have wondered what kind of workshop it was.)
It can feel like such a miracle, can’t it, that what we’re already doing can transform us. I re-read the last part of your comment a few times… you said it so well it felt like a hug.
Here’s one for you,
KP