Diets Don’t Work For You? Let Us Rejoice.

Going in, they knew that your kind was going to be a problem, and so they prepared as best they could.

Shackles, whips, overseers.

Scales, treadmills, food logs.

They were keenly aware of the risks of letting their guard down around you.

Sometimes they’d dream of waking up to you leaping off of your pallet every morning, eager to get with the program.

But they knew that was only ever going to be a dream.

You were never going to wake up grateful for another day on the plantation.

What they just couldn’t make sense of was this.

No matter how benevolent they could be, it was almost surely never going to be enough for the likes of you.

Even if they generously offered to give you your freedom later, in exchange for your being a good slave now – and giving you all the tools you’d need to be a good slave! – your kind was notoriously recalcitrant.

(When really, they thought, what was the big deal.)

The only thing you’d have to do to get your freedom later is follow the rules of the plantation now.

Restrict your carbs… .. stick to your points… stay within your allowable fat grams… eat 500 calories a day and inject yourself with pregancy hormones.

Well, c’mon.

The only thing you have to do to get off the plantation is to be a really good slave on it.

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Calling all bad diet slaves.

(The badder, the better, because if you’re a bad diet slave, you have the best chance of making your way off the plantation for good.)

(Considering I’m on a mission to help make dieting history, I would kind of like that.)

How to know if you are a bad diet slave…

If you know you weren’t born a slave.

If you are tired of – or understandably leery about – continuing to follow roads marked “Plantation” when where you want to end up is at “Freedom.”

If you’re increasingly suspicious and less tolerant of what looks like the same shit plantation, different day owner.

(Dr. Atkins… Jenny Craig… Weight Watchers…)

If with each one, you are finding it harder and harder to *be good* and follow the rules…

If when the oh-so-benevolent *master* shows up with his “have I got a great deal for you!” you’re the one who looks at him like “not only do I not know who you think you are, but more importantly, clearly you do not know who the hell I am.”

If you’re the one who is ready to flee the plantation just as soon as someone you can trust shows up with the map.

Then I have a map that has you all over it.

(Although when you’re making this kind of move, I imagine you would want more than my word that you can trust me on that.)

What I know for sure is this.

If you have proof that what you cannot do is diet, then you have the proof  - also known as your power –  that you will need to be free of them forever.

How to start converting that proof to power…

Gather up the evidence you have that you’re a bad diet slave – “I feel like breaking my diet before I even begin it.”  ”The longest I can *be good* on a diet anymore is Monday morning to Monday mid-morning.” “I don’t know how I ate this whole bag of what isn’t allowed on the plan(tation.)” Etc, etc…

I want you to see the power in your etcetera… pick the one that frustrates you the most.  You show me how bad you really are, I’ll show you how good that really is.

We will use your “bad” to ignite your inner pilot light.

Imagine what happens when your lit-from-within is burning.

The plantation will never know what hit it.

(And feel free to pass this on, but only to woman who you pretty sure are bad, and have a thing for properly marked roads.  And burnt to ash plantations.)

Oh, yeah.

And only if they want to eat what they want, and their pants just fit.

If you’re not bad (first, I’m sorry) second, then I got nothing.

But if you are?

Hallefuckinlujah.

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***In honor of my badass, diet crushing, plantation burning clients.

Photo credit: ecerroni from morguefile.comp>

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