Sure, we all probably know the basic drill.
But just in case there’s something more you could be doing, I’m laying out this checklist based upon the years and years of time I did on the scale. There is a slight chance that I’ve left something out – you go on enough diets, you lose some of your mind, too, but hey, good for me! it all adds up – and whatever I’ve left out, you’ll let me know in the comments.
It’s gonna take more than a village, ladies.
- Three to four weeks before, donate the maximum amount of blood allowed per day and one kidney. (It might hurt a little but not as much as the scale can.)
- One day before, restrict all fluids. (Even though you’ll be doing this, don’t worry, you’ll still be able to work #3.)
- Go to the bathroom. (Burn some extra calories smiling if you get a 2 with your 1.) And remember what your mom said. ”Wipe real good.” (Good ol’ Mom. Looking out for you and your dieting-for-the-rest-of-your-life days.)
- Take off all of your clothes. Check for any stray lint. On you.
- Remove accessories, including ponytail holders, earrings, hearing aids, fillings…
- Wash face to remove any traces of makeup.
- Take off glasses or remove contacts. (Don’t worry that you won’t be able to see the number on the scale. It’s been scientifically proven that a dieter’s eyes automatically widen when the dieter’s feet are on a scale.)
- Shave. Every hair that you’re willing to be seen in public and private without. Consider the benefits of a completely hairless look. There is someone for everyone.
- Squeeze any pimples or blackheads.
- Brush and floss.
- Blow nose.
- Cut any hangnails.
- Remove any nail polish.
- File nails down to the quick. There is someone for everyone.
Continue to hold your breath while you step on the scale.
If you don’t like what you see, you can take comfort in the fact that tears count as water weight.
You could Effa Diet, throw away your scale, and make your way out of the weigh-in. For good.
Before there’s nothing left of you.
P.S. Many of tips are from the super-secret files of the super-secret weigh-ins I used to conduct on myself when I ran a Nutri-System Center. (I don’t know how I could forget to tell you my favorite story from those days – which has to do with me being on Weight Watchers while I ran a Nutri-System Center – but if I do, remind me. You’ll find it hard to believe that it took 10 more years before Effa Diet was born. Or reborn.)